研究者以自身經驗出發,展開研究自殺遺族倖存經驗之研究,探討自殺議題在台灣的現況,以及目前研究自殺遺族的相關文獻,發現其他遺族有和研究者相似的經驗,即在重要他人自殺後,這項失落事件成為遺族生命中一道不可輕易碰觸之印記,也成為遺族的陰影,甚至是在遺族受到困境挑戰時,成為一個選項,這讓研究者進一步想要了解自殺遺族們和陰影的相處之道。從既有的文獻中去探索,包括一個自殺遺族很常問的問題,即「人為什麼會自殺?」開始著手了解,接著是介紹自殺遺族們面對自殺事件的情緒反應和行為,最後則以情感連結、雙軌擺盪模式等理論去看喪親的歷程,試圖更貼近自殺遺族的悲傷調適樣貌。 研究者採敘事研究之方式,共邀請三位自殺遺族作為研究參與者,逝者與研究參與者的關係為照顧者與被照顧者。研究者採開放的方式讓研究參與者們自由回憶、敘說任何與重要他人自殺相關的經驗,即建構文本的過程是以研究參與者為主,研究者為輔。之後研究者分析文本時,則是採整體-內容做為呈現自殺遺族故事的方式。 從三位研究參與者的故事,再加上研究者自己的生命故事,去了解我們受到照顧者自殺之影響,如產生哪些情緒反應、生活調適狀況等等。而我們對照顧者自殺的詮釋,又讓我們在各自的生命脈絡之下,發展出和自殺陰影的相處之道。最後,研究者從故事中,提出幾個議題出來討論,包括遺族本身產生的自殺意念(對人際間的連結關係失去信任感、以對逝者死亡的詮釋為基礎去理解後續經歷到的失落事件、遺族的親密關係建立)、遺族失落的多元樣貌、遺族對自殺的緘默、自殺陰影的轉化,以及對待遺族的態度等。
I started this research with my own experiences, tried to know how survivors of suicide survive after significant-others suicided. The existing literatures show my experience are similar to other survivors of suicide, including the loss experience became a mark, a shadow that can’t be discovered, even threaten the lives of survivors. Hence, I want to know how other survivors deal with their shadow in their life contexts. I searched the existing literatures starting with a question which survivors want to know: why people die by suicide? And then how survivors react to the loss, including emotions and behaviors. Lastly, I introduced the concept of bonding and dual process model for comprehending the course of bereavement. I chose narrative research as my research method, and invited three survivors whose care-giver suicided as research participant. I created an open and free talking space, let them recalled and talked anything about the loss of care-givers. They guided the conversations and I followed. The way I analyzed texts is holistic-content. There are four stories, including mine, talking about our own shadow of suicide, the effects of the shadow, the resources we use. All of them have developed useful strategies to face shadow, such as reading, writing, seizing the moment and so on. In the end, I selected five topics for discussion, including idea of suicide, multi-aspect loss, suicide become an untold secret, transforming shadow, and appropriate attitudes toward survivors of suicide.