徘徊在天秤的兩端-透過敘說尋回自我的故事

Hovering between the scales--- the story of seeking self by narrative

卓雅芳(CHO, YA-FANG)

指導教授 ： 程玲玲

國立臺北大學/社會科學學院/社會工作學系/碩士(2009年)

摘要

這是一本女性自我敘說的論文，記錄的是一個三十歲的基督徒女性的生命經驗，從自我懷疑、看不見自己開始，到最後是如何透過敘說尋回自我的生命歷程。

我是一個傳統的基督徒女性，年屆婚齡，正在追求屬於我的社工夢想，但同時又默默背負了許多傳統的包袱在身上，有傳統女性的規範，有基督徒的條例，還有社工專業的框架，因此我就像是徘徊在天秤兩端一般，經驗著許多的矛盾與痛苦。在徘徊不定之中，我看不見自己，只徒然地靜默在錯亂的生命之中…。但這靜默並不長久，因為我決定用文字發聲，決定從許多矛盾痛苦的經驗出發來探索自己的生命，而在書寫之中，我逐漸發現我習慣的委屈與看不見自己。

我試圖從媽媽的故事開始尋找我自己，但卻在故事中認識了一個新的媽媽，使我得以新的眼光來看待我的媽媽，而且，在媽媽的故事中我竟然意外地找到媽媽對我的愛。從媽媽的故事連結到我自己完整的生命故事，我重新進入了我遺忘了的生命，尋找最初的、真實的自己，也在過程中檢視、濾淨與更新我自己的生命。而在故事的最後，我真正理解了自己，也找到生命前進的力量。

這本論文，記錄了我從一開始對敘事、對自我的沒有信心，到最後我找到自我的確認感，也真正認同了敘事。這條敘說的道路，帶領我找到真實的自我，也幫助我找到理解之道，更使我明白未來生命中的角色該如何扮演。透過敘說，我找到了我的生命之光，使我可以如鷹展翅上騰，翱翔在我的天空。

關鍵字

敘說 ； 女性 ； 自我 ； 自我認同

並列摘要

The thesis is about a female who narrated a life story of her own, and the story is recording a 30 year-old Christian feminine life experience. In the beginning of the story, we read about her self-suspicion, who cannot see herself, but how finally she finds her true self.
I am a traditional Christian female who is just in the age to get married, and is pursuing my dream to be a social worker. Meanwhile, I carry the traditional burden on my back carefully and quietly. I face the issues such as what are the traditional feminine standard, the Christian rules, and the frame of specialized social work. Therefore, I likely walk back and forth in the scales between both sides. I am experiencing a lot of contradictory and pain. In paces of back and forth, I cannot see myself, all I can do is merely in vain and confused life without verbal words. But this silence is not long-time, because I decided to emit my sound by words, and to exploring my own life from many contradictory and pain. During literal words, I found gradually that I used to the grievance and laying my eyes on others only.

I attempted starting to seek for myself from my mother's story; surprisingly, I met a different mother in the story. This new discovery has made me create new judgment on my mother. Moreover, I found unexpectedly love of my mother for me during my mother's story. Linking with my mother's story and my life story, I entered the life I have forgotten, and sought for Initial and real self. Also in the process I inspected, cleaned and renewed my life. At the end, I finally understood my truly self, and I get the power to push myself to go forward.
This thesis has recorded the process for how I have changed and turned from having no confidence to getting great confidence. The process to achieve my goal has made me meet my inner self and discovered an ideal solution of my view to this wonderful world. I can finally say that I am ready to be myself and I am well-prepared to play my role for those who need me to be with them. I am going to carry my power of love to bring people a bright future with all my efforts.

並列關鍵字

Narrative ； Female ； Self ； Self-Identity

參考文獻

Almaas, A. H.（1987/2005）：《鑽石途徑Ⅲ:探索真相的火焰》。胡因夢(譯)。台北市：心靈工坊文化事業股份有限公司。

歐文•亞隆（1989/2007）：《愛情劊子手》。張美惠（譯）。台北市：張老師文化事業股份有限公司。

杜瑩真（2002）：《非營利組織「組織變革」中的「認同管理」－以基督教「台灣基督長老教會」的不同教會為例》。靜宜大學企業管理研究所碩士論文。

一、中文部分

Bruner, J.（1996/2001）：《教育的文化：文化心理學的觀點》。宋文里(譯)。台北市：遠流。