我是娘娘腔-一段重新愛上自己的故事

這是一本關於「我」的研究也是一本「我」的生命故事。我是帶著無法描述的「累」進到研究中，我想在這個困頓中解脫，因此我必須回到生命之中才有機會捕捉這分累進而與之共處，所以自我敘事探究就成為我靠近累的途徑。本研究企圖在「累」的皺褶裡，撐起與社會及軍隊對話的空間。在空間裡，透過敘說我作為一位娘娘腔的生命史，描繪出在我心裡的「愛」如何遠離，我又是如何與「恨」同行，並透過我離家與返家及在班上成家的經驗中，覺察「愛」與「恨」都是源自於我不愛自己，最後與自己和解並邁向重新愛上自己的道路上。

關鍵字

娘娘腔；軍人；同性戀；自我敘事

並列摘要

This study is not only my research, but also my life story. I entered this research bearing indescribable fatigue. I needed release from this predicament, and by using self-narrative as a form of investigation into my life, I could uncover and capture this exhaustion as a way to make peace. The research attempts to bridge society and the military, and pull "fatigue" from the covers of culture, and open a space for dialogue. It is within this space that I share my life experience as a "sissy". I describe how "love" was driven far from my heart as I walked through life with "hate". How through my leaving and returning of home, as well as the family chosen between, I finally recognized my self-hatred as the root of this exhausting "love" and "hate". How by falling in love with myself, finally finding reconciliation.