光照耀在破碎的瓦器裡- 以生命之愛陪伴憂傷

這是一篇生命探究的自我敘說。父親於三十多年前被一個犯罪集團誤殺，在我成長的歲月中，對於生命中無解的難題始終無法釋懷。我從未處理自己的哀傷，以致於對「死亡」存有極大的恐懼；起初我的論文主軸原先以研究父親遇害後，如何能藉著自我敘說的過程走出哀傷；我一直無法「直視」死亡帶給我的傷痛，剛開始是藉由「清理雜物」開啟敘說之路，但是，三年前大弟因過勞車禍去世，我再次陷入極大的傷痛之中，有幾度幾乎想要放棄往敘說之路前進。敘說之路蜿蜒無盡頭，當我先越過「死亡」的議題，直到把年幼時在眷村生活的美好書寫出來，恍然發現生命中有許多正向、美好的事物在敘說過程不斷的出現；慢慢地，我才能以不同的視角回看有關父母及家人所有的面向。當我心理不斷地被愛充滿，並藉著與神有親密禱告來往交通，漸漸就有勇氣去面對「死亡」帶給我的傷痛，並且願意處理生命最沈重的哀傷。藉著書寫以及誠摯的禱告，我不斷整理自己的生命歷程，回顧兒時眷村的生活情景，對父親的思念不斷地湧出；整理母親的信件後，發現一個女性為了生存，在痛苦掙扎的過程裡，展現出生命極大的韌性；細數生命中的悲傷與苦難，我發現自己與父親、母親及手足的連結竟如此之深切。神是光，在我們生命幽暗之處，祂照亮每一個角落，祂也是愛，將我們這個看似「破碎」的家，重新被「黏合」起來，使我們的傷痕可以慢慢地得著修復。

關鍵字

自我敘說；眷村；清理雜物；基督徒；破碎的瓦器；死亡；哀傷；禱告

並列摘要

This is a self-narration of life inquiry. My father was murdered by a criminal group more than 30 years ago. When I was growing up, I couldn't let go of the unsolvable problems in my life. I have never dealt with my grief, so that I have a great fear of "death." At first, the main focus of my thesis was to study how I can get out of grief through the process of self-narration after the death of my father; I have never been able to "look directly" at death. The self-narration was started by "cleaning up excessive items". However, three years ago, my younger brother died in a car accident due to overwork. I was again in great pain and almost wanted to give up self-narration. The road of self-narration is winding and endless. When I skipped the topic of "death", I wrote about the beautiful childhood living in the military village. I suddenly realized that many positive and beautiful memories popped out during self-narration; Gradually I can look back at all aspects of my parents and family from a different perspective. When I was constantly filled with love, and through close prayers and fellowship with God, I gradually had the courage to face the pain caused by "death" and was willing to deal with the heaviest sorrow of life. Through writing and praying sincerely, I kept sorting out my life course, looking back at the childhood life scenes in the military village and thoughts of my father pouring out; after sorting out my mother’s letters, I found that a woman was struggling to survive, showing the great resilience of life; Counting the sorrows and sufferings in life, I found that my connections with my parents and siblings are so deep. God is light. In the gloom of our lives, He illuminates every corner. He is also love. He will “bond” our “broken” home again so that our scars can be gradually repaired.