捉．謎．藏 — 政治受難者子女的探索與療癒之自我敘說

本文是一個諮商助人工作的學習者，透過自我敘說的方式，反覆回看故事、反思並產生視框移動的過程。以社會脈絡觀點，看見個人在主流價值觀的影響之下，如何看待政治受難的爸爸，這樣的意象又如何牽動父女間的關係，乃至影響筆者的自我形構。整個故事源自於爸爸的被「捉」，而在我的成長過程中這個事件像一個「謎」一般，我無法得知事情的真相，它卻形塑了我隱「藏」的外在行為表現。因為幼時仍處在戒嚴時期的台灣社會，一言堂的封閉氛圍下，筆者不清楚爸爸坐牢的原因，但也知道大人都不談的事，小孩子更加將之視為家庭的秘密。爸爸受冤屈後感到深深的憤恨，因而時常和人發生爭執或大聲咒罵，我則因為不理解他而被他過濃的情緒所逼退以致無法靠近，父女關係於是產生斷裂。又在社會讚許的「孝順」價值觀下，形成自己「乖小孩」的形象，將所有的疑問、不滿、生氣全都丟棄，強迫自己成為完全理性封閉感受的人。在文本的爬梳與對話後，因為理解爸爸的遭遇、貼近爸爸的心情，感同身受他的痛楚，重新與爸爸深刻的連結。又在和文本反復對話中發現爸爸的韌性，以及雖處在艱難的環境仍保有「選擇」的自由而感動。因而重新接納自己摒棄的陰影面，走向自性化的旅程。

關鍵字

政治暴力；白色恐怖；創傷療癒；代間創傷；政治受難者二代

並列摘要

This article is a learner of counseling and helping others. Through self-narrative, the process of repeatedly reviewing the story, reflecting and producing the movement of the frame of view. From the perspective of social context, I see how individuals, under the influence of mainstream values, view the politically suffering father, how such images affect the relationship between father and daughter, and even affect the author's self-construction. The whole story stems from my father's "capture", and when I was growing up, this event was like a "mystery", I couldn't know the truth of the matter, but it shaped my "hidden" external behavior Performance. Because the Taiwanese society was still under martial law when I was a child, under the closed atmosphere of the "Echo Chamber", I did not know why my father was in prison, but I also knew that the adults did not talk about it, and the child regarded it as a family secret. Dad felt deeply resentful after being wronged, so he often argued with people or cursed loudly. Because I didn’t understand him, I was pushed back by his strong emotions and couldn’t get close. The father-daughter relationship broke down. Under the value of "filial piety" that is praised by the society, I formed the image of myself as a "good child", discarded all doubts, dissatisfaction, and anger, and forced myself to become a person with completely rational and closed feelings. After combing through the text and talking to it, because I understand what happened to my father and get close to my father's mood, I feel his pain and reconnect with my father deeply. In the repeated conversations with the text, I found my father's tenacity and the freedom to "choose" despite being in a difficult environment. Thus re-accepting the shadow side that one has abandoned, and embarking on a journey of individuation.