禪繞畫寫作對個人失落經驗之行動敘說

對許多人來說，「研究所肄業」可能是人生中一次微小的挫敗，但對我來說卻是人生中的一次重大失落經驗，因為它衝擊了我一貫秉持的信念，也讓我失去了與自我的連結，從而陷入人生的低谷之中。在事件剛發生之初，我無法碰觸、探究這個經驗，更遑論與他人提及這段經歷。但在隨著時間以及接觸禪繞畫之後，以往堅不可摧的心靈壁壘有了鬆動的現象，於是讓我有了進一步去理解和探索這個失落經驗的想法。在本研究中我嘗試透過行動敘說，讓自己得以重回十幾年前研究所肄業的當下，與當時的自己反覆對話。在這個過程中我期待能夠在「禪繞畫寫作」，這個結合禪繞畫創作與自由書寫的癒療方式，所構築的安全空間中，梳理自己的研究所肄業經驗，理解自己當時所遭遇到的困境，進而找到與自己和解的可能性；同時也希望能夠回答這個自肄業後不斷縈繞在我心頭的疑問-「為什麼我會研究所肄業？」。此外，我對禪繞畫所帶來的正向效果十分有興趣，因此也透過自由書寫，記錄下在禪繞畫當下自己的想法與感受，希望能夠了解禪繞畫是否對失落經驗復原有所助益，以及其如何幫助個人轉換情緒，帶來更多正向感受。在這趟與自我相遇的旅程中，除了如同過往一昧地責備自己的拖延與被動之外，我看到了更多自己遭遇到的困境，像是對自己能力的懷疑、研究主題的難度超出自己的所學、與指導教授的互動、未能與學校產生牢固的連結等，於是我可以更客觀地看待這個研究所肄業事件，了解當時肄業已經是我最後不得不的選擇，進而擁抱受傷的自己，開啟失落復原之路。而「禪繞畫寫作」在這個過程中，舒緩了我因再次碰觸這個失落經驗而起的焦慮與緊張，同時也幫助我不將其所引發的自責悔恨的情緒帶回到現實生活中，尤其是禪繞畫創作所帶來的控制感與成就感等正向感受，讓我找回了對自我的掌控與認同。於是在完成這份論文的當下，能夠放下對這個挫敗的不甘與懊悔，讓停滯已久的人生齒輪再度轉動，開始踏上新的征途。

關鍵字

禪繞畫寫作；失落經驗；行動敘說

並列摘要

“Non-completion of master degree” is just a minor failure for many people. However, it is a huge loss experience for me. That is because it impacts my consistent belief. It also makes me lose the link between myself and self, falling to the bottom of life. When I just realized this truth, I am unable to touch and explore this experience, not to mention to talk this experience to other people. As time goes by and learn the Zentangle Art, my mental barriers loose. That makes me think to understand and explore this loss experience. In this study, the researcher attempts to conduct an action-narrative inquiry, allowing the conversation between current I and more-than-10-years I when failing to obtain a master's degree. “Zentangle Writing Process is a healing method”. A safe place is established by combing Zentangle Art and Free-writing. In this process and in this safe place, the researcher could organize my loss experience that fails to obtain a master’s degree and understand what barriers I encounter. Consequently, it is possible to reconcile with me. Meanwhile, I also hope to answer a haunting question - “Why did I fail to obtain a master’s degree?” In addition, I am interested in the positive effects brought by Zentangle Art. Therefore, free-writing helps the researcher to record the thoughts and feelings when doing the Zentangle Art. It is expected to know whether the Zentangle Art helps the recovery of loss experience, how to help individuals change emotions, and bring more positive feelings. In this journey to meet the previous I, I do the same thing as previous. Except for blaming my delayed and passive actions, I realize more barriers I encountered, such as suspicion of my abilities, thoughts that the difficulties of research topic are over what I learned, the interaction with my mentor, inability to create a link with the school, and so on. As the result, I could objectively view the event – “Why did I fail to obtain a master’s degree?”, understand the only choice is to accept the truth finally. Hence, I could embrace the harmful self, starting the path of recovery caused by loss experience. In this recovery journey, doing Zentangle Art comforts my anxiety and nervousness when recalling this loss experience. Meanwhile, it helps me not to bring the emotion of blame and remorse induced by loss experience to real life. Especially, the positive feelings, such as the sense of control and sense of accomplishment from doing Zentangle Art allow me to find my control and recognition for myself. The researcher hence could finally let go of the reluctance and remorse induced by this loss experience. My life has been standstill for a long time. I now could embark on a new path when completing this thesis.