至少還有你，至少孩有妮

生長在一個「不怎麼說」的環境中，長大並不代表什麼就自然而然都會說了。習慣用文字說話的研究者，家中排行老大，為典型親職化小孩，成長過程與母親緊密連結。青春時期總是賦新詞而強說愁地表現，對快樂一知半解。每年四月除了家庭不間斷的慶生活動，四月亦是母親不敵癌症辭世、革命伙伴意外死亡無法實現承諾的日子，生死難解的課題，憂鬱最後成了診斷內容。與人預期或非預期的斷開連結，常使研究者感覺「厭世」，而親職化小孩常有主要照顧者的「影子」，慣於照顧他人鮮少關照自我，依賴困難使得面臨困境時常有獨自承受的「寂寞」，人我互動這種反覆的不良循環，研究者到了中年除了存在自我分化的困難，也說不清楚自己的困境及想要的人生。本研究透過自我敘說的方式，探究研究者「自我」的消長，與母親、親職化小孩、悲傷失落、憂鬱、寂寞、自我分化等元素的關連，透過成長經驗的事件，從過程去捕捉對研究者個人的意義及探究隱而未現的「自我」生成的可能。理解研究者在家庭、社會環境中，如何看待及定位自己的位置。重新理解厭世、寂寞、影子對研究者的意義。研究歷程因親職化角色的干擾，感覺不時偏離研究目標，當研究者去探究此番歷程的意義，反而發現母職的擔待、說不出口的寂寞、分化不清而感覺一言難盡，原來是環環相扣的，研究者的模樣漸漸清晰，連研究者喜歡隱喻的表達，也不是獨立存在的問題。於是，研究者想要「四月好過一點」的問題上，透過自我敘說看見真正難過、困住研究者的答案所在。且在敘說的過程中，透過對話及內省，研究者漸漸「賦能」給自我，練習說得更清楚，並且與人重新產生連結，這份研究無疑是給研究者最棒的一份禮物。

關鍵字

親職化；自我分化；自我敘說

並列摘要

The researcher grew up in an environment where she couldn’t express much about her thoughts and feelings. Being a grown- up doesn't mean that we automatically are able to express ourselves. As the eldest child in the family, the researcher is a typical parentified child, who grew up in close relationship with her mother. At puberty, she distressed herself purposely, and knew little about happiness. Each April is tough for her. Apart from the continuous family celebrations, April marks the passing of her beloved mother, who lost her life to cancer. Moreover, it was also the time of the accidental death of her comrade, that made her fail to fulfill her promise. The unsolved puzzle about life and death finally led to the diagnosis of depression. Being both intentionally and unintentionally disconnected with others, the researcher quite often felt that she became a misanthrope. At the same time, with the feature of a parentified child, she was inclined to assuming the role of the "shadow" of their main care recipients. That is, she was used to taking care of others and often neglecting her own needs. Being unable to rely on others made her have no choice but to endure loneliness on her own when encountering difficulties. Moreover, she was also trapped in the vicious circle of disadvantageous interpersonal interaction. The researcher faced the dilemma of differentiation of self, and she couldn’t explicate the plight she encountered and find out what kind of life she desires to lead. This study adopts the method of self-narrative. The researcher explores the wax and wane of her own “ego”, investigating the relationship between these elements, such as her mother’s influence, her role as a parentified child, her feeling of sadness, depression and loneliness, and her dilemma of differentiation of self. Through the important events in her growing courses, the research tries to capture what these experiences mean to her and to inquire the possibilities of her emerging unseen characteristics. She aims to understand how she defines and positions herself in her family and the social environment. Furthermore, she tries to reinterpret the meaning of being a misanthrope, being lonely, and assuming the role as a “shadow.” During the process of this study, the researcher was sometimes interrupted by her role as a parentified child and being off-target. When the researcher looked into the significance of the process of the investigation, she discovered that she couldn’t illustrate clearly because of her duties of motherhood, her feeling of loneliness which she couldn’t speak out, and her differentiation of self. These three parts are actually interconnected with one another. As the researcher gradually clarifies her own appearance, she realized that even her preference of expressing herself in a metaphorical way is not an unrelated issue. Therefore, the researcher hopes to “feel a little better in April.” Through the self-narrative method, she discovers what really upset her and trapped her. During the process of narration, through dialogue and introspection, the researcher gradually empowers her ego. She practices speaking out more clearly and tries to reconnect with others. All in all, this study is undoubtedly the best gift for the researcher herself.