從等待到正視-敘說無法言說的愛

這是一篇自我敘說論文，研究者透過文本的書寫，真實描述個人成長生命經驗，包括家人的關係、求學階段與同儕的人際互動，以及面對自己同志身份的掙扎等，有好多想說卻不知該如何說出口的故事，透過敘說文本將這些難以啟齒的生命事件，一一梳理，希望能夠幫助自己勇敢面對生命的傷痛，進而能夠走出悲傷，破繭重生。　　將近兩年的文本書寫，研究者整理出三大主軸：精障母親的孩子、渴望尋求家人認同的同志身份，以及永遠不被看見的自卑自我。研究者的母親於高二時罹患精神障礙疾病，自母親患病開始，家人間的關係開始改變，整個家庭至今累積許多傷痛記憶，研究者會不自覺的將這些記憶與感覺藏在心中，不願意面對。透過文本不斷的和自己對話、整理過去，並且勇敢面對自己對母愛的渴望，即使目前對母親仍有非常多的矛盾與逃避。　　研究者十分在意家人對於自己身為女同志的看法，也強烈渴望能夠得到家人的認同。透過自身書寫論文，同時讓家人閱讀文本，期待透過家人對自己的理解進而能夠認同自己。文本整理到最後，研究者發現除了求學經驗的挫折之外，精障母親的孩子以及同志的身份，關愛與認同的需求一直無法被滿足的生命經驗均導致了那個永遠不被看見－自卑的我。

關鍵字

精障母親的孩子；同志；自我敘說

並列摘要

This research paper is a personal narrative, in which the researcher intricately describes their growth as a person. The experiences that contributed to this growth involve family relationships, school life, interpersonal relationships, and the struggle of facing her identity as a homosexual. Although these stories are challenging to recount, the researcher hopes the writing process will help her understand and gain courage to face these challenges, to then let go, and to emerge as someone new. Through nearly two years of writing, the researcher has identified three themes of life experiences that have shaped her to who she is today: 1) her experience as a child of a mother with mental illness, 2) her desire to be acknowledged of her homosexuality by her family, and 3) her low self-esteem. During her second year of high school, the researcher’s mother was diagnosed with mental illness. Ever since then, the relationships within the family changed as this has brought innumerable painful memories to every member of the family, including the researcher herself. She unconsciously locks these memories and feelings away deep inside, unwilling to face and accept them. Even though the researcher is uncertain on how to face her mother, the researcher has realized her desire for motherly love through writing, where she constantly connects with her inner-self, and reflects on the past. The researcher deeply cares about her family’s opinion of her identity as a homosexual and strongly wishes to gain their recognition. With this personal narrative, the researcher hopes that her family can understand her better, so she can accept herself. Through writing, the researcher has discovered that low self-esteem comes not only from the frustrations in school years, but also because of her identity as a child of a mother with mental illness and a homosexual and the lack of affection and recognition.