回眸已逝記憶的生命敘說──母親離世後的自我認同與存在價值之找尋

本論文是關於研究者，在成年時期遭遇母親罹癌辭世之哀傷經驗。透過研究者回看生命歷程，找回自我認同與存在價值，進行對自己生命意義的反思與梳理。本研究，採用自我敘說研究，希望達成以下目的：一、敘說自我故事，看見多餘的意義與價值。二、透過母子故事敘說，走出喪母失落與認回自己。三、經由書寫療癒傷痕，找到認同的歸屬與存在的意義。本研究是以自已作為被研究者，研究是透過故事敘說而呈現，情節型態是經過選擇，在書寫裡再現故事，看見自己所處位置，看見生命的轉折與關鍵，回眸記憶而選擇關鍵的多餘事件，看見多餘是另類的美好。研究關鍵在於我是繼親家庭出生的孩子，我以此作為觀點研究自己，詮釋回看在成年時期，經歷母親罹癌離世的事件，導致親密關係結束，透過回溯記憶敘說，找回失落的情感與對話。研究採自我揭露方式，選擇關鍵的記憶事件，作為故事的回溯書寫，為自己的感覺而發聲，重新認知辨識內在的聲音，觀看我的曾經，在曾經受困的生命裡，看見生命的難堪，明白自己到底發生什麼事，與自己的關係鬆綁，認清過往的執著。透過敘說歷程，讓自己放下掙扎，甦醒看見與修補斷裂的家人關係，重回原本的生命位置，確立自己生命的歸屬感，實際理解自己的真實面貌與位置所在。最後，研究者建議，當遭逢喪親事件時，勇敢說出失去的傷慟、接納失落為人生的一部份、走出悲傷重新迎向嶄新的未來。希冀，藉此文本提供讀者在閱讀時，看待自己生命而有所反思與理解。

關鍵字

生命敘說；自我認同；存在價值

並列摘要

This thesis is about the grieving experience of the researcher ,who suffered from the death with cancer of his mother in his adulthood.By looking back to his life history, the researcher found back his self-identity and the value of the existence and proceed to introspect and sort out the meaning of his life. The study method of the thesis is narrative research, and the purposes of the study are as follows: First, by telling the researcher's story, view the extra meaning and value. Second, through the narrative of the story about the researcher's mother and himself, the researcher can calm the loss of his mother and recognize himself. Third, the researcher would heal the scars in his mind through writing his experience and found out the attribution of identity and the meaning of his existence. This study is based on the writer himself as a researcher, presented the plots through story narratives. The plot pattern is chosen, and the researcher repsented the story by writing. The researcher saw where his position was and saw the key turning point of his life. The researcher looked back his memories and chose critical extra events, and found that superfluousness is a good alternative.The key is that the researcher was born in a step family,and he studied himself through this point. The researcher looked back his adulthood and found that the reason which led to the end of intimate relationships between his mother and him is the researcher suffered from the death with cancer of his mother.The researcher retrieved the lost feelings and dialogue through the retrospective memory narrative of his history. The researcher narratived by exposing himself, chose the key memory event as a retrospective writing of the story.The researcher sounded for his own feelings, identified the inner voice of his own. The researcher viewed the hard of his life, understood what happened to him and recognize his past perseverance. The researcher released the struggling of his mind through the narrative process, repaired the broken relationship with his family , returned to the original life position, confirmed the sense of belonging and understood what his true face was and where his locaion was. Lastly,the summary for this research: When encountering bereavement events, the researcher provides the recommendations: Relate the grief of the loss of their beloved one(s),accept that “Lost is just a part of our life.”and leave the grief behind and develop your brand new future. Hopefully ,the researcher provide readers reflection and understanding to life when reading this thesis.