揉合在離走後：無法消弭的耽溺與尋覓靜寂之地

摘要自有記憶以來所在的家庭便是全世界，是出生後建立個人與社會接觸的通道，家庭信仰影響著自我價值觀與日常生活，憑藉創作行為與生命經驗的累積，來審視自我意識在逐漸長成茁壯的歷程中，所建立的「人格」與「原生家庭所建構的信仰」之間產生的衝突，過程中自我心境產生的壓抑、矛盾、困惑、焦慮等現象，構成了自身的情緒反應與生理狀態，藉由生活經驗、宗教、儀式、意識投射做為裝置手法將情緒物化呈現，發現潛意識裡的感受，在反射的情緒裡宣示內在空間的主權，並通過個人的生活經驗重組物件、空間的重建，讓我完成過去沒能擁有的內心領域，使得建構自我的道路逐漸明朗。「無法消弭的耽溺」意指家庭為無法拋下的根，由信仰根深蒂固的種下影響，無法果斷捨離的二者是自我的源頭，當生命核心由家庭轉移至社會後，壓抑感流淌在血液裡蔓延，以致在「尋覓靜寂之地」中，渴望一處乘載內心之地，在裡頭展現完整坦然的自我，論述主標題「揉合在離走後」，使用的是帶有手字旁的「揉合」一詞而非如液體互相滲透的同義詞「融合」；正視壓抑的根源不是件易事，過程中客體般存在的家庭信仰與試圖宣示主權的自我相互拉扯，而接納耽溺的行為成了強迫自我成長的方式，揉合的動作成了述說傷痛過程的方式，並在意識到必須脫離現況之後決定離走，找尋自我與家庭信仰之間的平衡，求諸個人內在完整。

關鍵字

信仰；壓抑；裝置藝術；個體化

並列摘要

ABSTRACT As far back as I could remember, family was my whole life and the only assess I got to know the society as well. Family beliefs had impact on personal values and daily life. Through creation and accumulated life experiences, I re-examined the conflict between the belief built up by origin family and personality established in the process of self-consciousness development. The emotional reaction and physical status affected by repression, contradiction, confusion and anxiety occurred in the process were exhibited in the form of installation which presented my life experience, religion, ritual and consciousness. Sensing the subconscious feelings and the accompanying emotion, declaring the sovereignty of inner being and recombining objects and space enabled me to embrace the mental state that I’ve never had and thus enlightened the construction of self. “Family religious” meant that family was my root which I could never abandon. The ingrained religion was also the fountainhead of myself which I couldn’t turn against. When society became the center of life instead of family, the depression creeped up on me. Therefore, I craved for a place where could carry my emotions and enable me to be the real me, “personal values” The Chinese main title of the thesis used the phrase “揉合,” which meant to blend, with a character with the hand radical, instead of the phrase “融合,” which stood for infiltration like liquid-state. To face the root cause of depression was not easy. In the process, family belief, served as an object, tangled with my ego who tried to proclaim sovereignty. To accept the indulgence forced myself to grow up and to blend with it poured out the pain. When realizing it’s necessary to escape from current situation, I decided to leave in pursuit of balance between family belief and I and hopefully to complete myself eventually.