底層的孩子－在自我敘說裡細看愛恨共生的家庭劇本

這是自我敘說論文，一個來自底層家庭的社工碩士生所寫。我將自己置身於底層，來自於一直以來的感受，即便不斷地被愛、被照顧、被肯定、被支持，我仍舊是那個在底層奮力生存的孩子。一路的求學我逆風前行，和命運抗衡，我要打破天注定，我不可以輸，只可以強，我要證明我是可以擺脫家庭宿命、闖出一片天的那個女孩。但其實我好痛苦，我內心最脆落的那一塊不容許任何人看見，我怕這樣就不會被讚美、被欣賞，於是我只能正向、樂觀、積極、努力，我不允許自己有黑暗，有黑暗就不是我了…… 這篇論文我透過說故事的方式，把原生家庭和再生家庭所經驗到的事件及情緒說了出來，又一步一步揭開那藏於內心許久的脆弱。除此之外，也將看見我在故事裡如何一步步打開家門，用全新的視角詮釋、說不一樣的家庭故事，最後則是我與我所學的社會工作所經歷的一連串反思行動。這篇自我敘說，就從一個找不到要做什麼研究題目的政大碩士生說起。

關鍵字

自我敘說；底層；尋找自我；社會工作專業

並列摘要

This thesis is a self-narration. I am a social-work post-graduate student who grew up at the bottom of the social structure. I said ‘at the bottom’, because I felt that all through my life. Although I'm loved, cared for, affirmed, and supported continuously, I constantly feel the child in me struggling to survive. My school life is a rocky road. I had to fight my fate and rise against the winds. I hadto break my destiny, and I can’t lose. I had to be the winner. I needed to prove that I can escape the fate instilled in me by my family and I carved a niche of my own. However, I was so miserable. I hided my fragile self under the blanket. I was afraid to reveal I was fragile. I worried that I won’t be praised and appreciated if any of my fragility was known. So I told myself I can only be positive, optimistic, and diligent. I did not allow myself to show anything other than positivity. In my thesis, I tell stories. I talked about the events and emotions I lived through inmy biological and alternative family, and uncovered the fragility that has been hidden in my heart for a long time. As the story goes on, I uncovered another set of doors to the story of my life. I started to see my family stories with a new perspective. At the end of the thesis, I return to my position as a social work professional and reflect on the relationship between my stories and myself as a social worker. This self-narration started with a National Chengchi University post-graduate student who cannot figure out what to do for her thesis research.