在性愛裡自由

Finding Freedom in Sex

蔡依庭(Yi-Ting. Tsai)

指導教授 ： 劉淑瀅

國立清華大學/竹師教育學院/教育心理與諮商學系/碩士(2017年)

摘要

本研究以研究者的生命經驗出發，以「性」為主軸，透過自我敘說的方式，面對身體與自我分離的議題，探究如何重新與自己靠近和接軌。
敘說從「性」與「自我」之間的距離開始，描述性之於我常帶有許多目的，不論是為配合關係、或者為了得到愛，性從來不是單純為了得到愉悅而性，即便日後因契機而開啟雙性戀的情慾與嘗試不同的性愛，仍舊感覺與自己的身體感官有一段距離，因此對此覺得惆悵與失落。
而後透過回顧成長歷程，看見自己的性格與對身體的陌生感如何影響性愛中的感受，同時也透過新的嘗試來再次探索身體、心理與情感的各種樣貌，並藉由閱讀文獻理解女人的性在社會裡所遭遇的壓迫及情慾流動帶來的能量。透過身體力行的體驗以及視角廣度的撐開，我開始感覺到與自己的情緒和身體重新靠近，找回屬於情慾本身的力量，身體不再只是承接靈魂的客體，而是有自己意識的主體。同時我靠著這份力量投入社會成為一名小小的行動者，期待現在與未來皆能以自己的身份與經歷為曾有過或正經歷類似經驗的人們提供參考。

關鍵字

性 ； 情慾 ； 身體意識 ； 性壓迫 ； 自我敘說

並列摘要

This study uses the researcher’s own life experience as basis, centralizing on “sex” to examine the topic of body-self disconnection and explore the rebuilding of link between one’s body and self through a self-narrative method.
This study begins by exploring the distance between “sex” and “self” of the researcher. Sex had multiple purposes for the researcher, including to cooperate in a relationship or to crave for love, but the researcher never approached sex simply due to pleasure. Even afterwards when the researcher had chances to uncover her bi-sexual affections and in turn experienced other forms of sex, she still felt a disconnect between her body senses and her own self, which lead to melancholy and disappointment.
To understand the disconnect, the researcher reflected on her own life and growth to uncover how her personality and unfamiliarity to her body affected her feelings during sex. Building upon such reflection, the researcher proceeded in new attempts in sex to reconstruct the relationship between her physical, mental and emotional states. By combining the such new practical attempts with expansion of perspective through literature study on the women’s sexual oppression in society and the energy manifesting from flows of sexuality, the researcher gradually rebuilt the link between her emotion and body, regained the power of sexuality, and resulted in a body that’s not just an object that carries one’s soul, but a living identity of self-conscious. By contributing her findings on body-self reconnection to the society, the researcher hopes her identity and experience can be something that others undergoing similar circumstances can reference on.

並列關鍵字

Sex ； Sexuality ； Body Consciousness ； Sexual Oppression ； Self-Narrative

參考文獻

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黃毓秀（1993）。走出暗夜的恐懼-重新看待女性身體。律師通訊，169，65-67。