在關係創傷之中學習慢慢振作的自我敘說研究

本研究主要是在討論研究者本身的生命歷程當中所遭遇到的苦難及考驗，如：被遺棄的苦痛、遭受到他人霸凌、不斷再現的人際創傷、對人際失望的孤獨、對自我的批評，以及在延長四個月的全職實習後，研究者可以慢慢地降低這些創傷體驗對自身的影響，學習振作、陪伴自我。在本研究當中會整理上述所提歷程經驗，進行深入的討論及解析，藉此增進對研究者對自身的認識及理解，釐清自身如何找到慢慢振作的歷程。本研究採用的形式為自我敘說研究。透過蒐集研究者的個人經驗、生活札記以及社群網站的貼文形作為研究工具，並將這些資料進行編碼、分類，形成本研究的敘事文本，然後使用由Lieblich提出敘事分析中的整體－形式來分析研究者的敘事文本，具體了解以下其生命歷程的三個階段：一、童年雖有遭拋棄體驗，進而對孤獨感到害怕，但因人際關係順利，尚能享受當下（出生至國小）；二、國中遭受到他人霸凌，成了關係創傷的起點，往後的生命也因難以療癒的創傷經驗，陷入了不斷在人際上受傷的循環（國中至研究所全職實習）；三、如何領悟到陪伴創傷的方法並習得慢慢振作的思維（延長實習的四個月）。本研究藉由討論研究者的人生經驗，並了解這些經驗對其造成怎樣的影響，迫使其進入孤獨的狀態，同時對孤獨感到創傷；不斷的人際創傷帶給研究者怎樣的壓力及困境，使其寧可保持孤獨不願突破；以及如何從聚焦創傷到慢慢振作，學會在孤獨當中陪伴自己前進，並結合研究目的與問題進行深入反思跟解析，聚焦了解研究者從創傷經驗慢慢走向振作的生命歷程，也希望透過本次研究的討論與分析，可以提供與研究者類似處境的讀者，一個幫助自己走出黑暗的參考方向，找到自我療癒的動力。

關鍵字

自我敘說；霸凌；創傷；孤獨

並列摘要

The main focus of this study is to discuss the difficulties and challenges encountered by the researcher in his life journey, such as the pain of being abandoned, experiencing bullying from others, recurring interpersonal trauma, loneliness from disappointment in relationships, self-criticism, and how the researcher was able to slowly reduce the impact of these traumatic experiences on himself, and learn to be resilient and self-supporting after a four-month full-time internship. This study will organize and analyze these experiences in depth, thereby enhancing the researcher's self-awareness and understanding of how they found the process of gradually recovering from his trauma. The form used in this study is self-narrative research. By collecting the researcher's personal experiences, life notes, and social media posts as research tools, these data were coded, classified, and formed into the narrative text of this study. Then, the researcher's narrative text is analyzed using Lieblich's holistic-form narrative analysis to understand the three stages of his life journey: 1. Although the researcher had experienced abandonment in childhood and felt fearful of loneliness, he was able to enjoy the present due to smooth interpersonal relationships (from birth to elementary school); 2. Being bullied in junior high school became the starting point of relational trauma, and his life became trapped in a cycle of constantly being hurt in interpersonal relationships due to the difficult-to-heal traumatic experiences (from junior high school to full-time internship in graduate school); 3. How to understand the method of accompanying trauma and learn to recover slowly (four months of extended internship). By discussing the researcher's life experiences and understanding the impact of these experiences on him, this study sheds light on how loneliness and constant interpersonal trauma can lead to stress and difficulties for the researcher, causing him to prefer to remain lonely rather than break through the cycle of trauma. Moreover, this study also focuses on how the researcher gradually moved from focusing on trauma to slowly recovering and learning to accompany himself in loneliness. Through the in-depth reflection and analysis of the research purposes and questions, this study aims to provide readers in similar situations as the researcher with a reference direction to help them find the motivation to heal themselves and overcome the darkness.