遇見生命的幽谷： 重新和自己走在一起

過去，有段時期特別的感恩，我認為「我真的是一個非常幸福的女生」。從小到大，接受著父母的照顧，我總是衣食無缺，既無需擔憂基本生活、人際交往與學業都算順利，當身邊的朋友在擔心大學畢業後要往哪裡去時，我考上研究所；當朋友在煩惱找不到工作時，我有回家工作的機會；當朋友失戀傷心時，我身邊一直有一個很好的對象。每一個階段的我，下一步的選擇都很順利，形容的直接點就是「命很好」。然而，人生的意外總是突然的到來，交往七年的伴侶離開了我，他離開了這個世界，我的生命因此斷裂了。我的敘說論文，在伴侶死亡的事件發生前就開始書寫了並且提出論文計畫，在事件發生前所書寫的敘說，關注的焦點在於「生涯議題」──尋找自己的道路、是否回家接家業;伴侶死亡的事件使我的生命有了巨大的變動，對「我」也產生許多的轉變，敘說論文的焦點轉變為「生命議題」──遇見生命的幽谷，重新和自己走在一起，轉變前後的論文在結構、內容上雖有所差異，但論文計畫所寫的內容仍作為根基──幫助我梳理生命中具備的力量。遇見喪慟，經歷前所未有的混亂、悲傷、憤怒、失落……就像跌落幽谷一般，事件至今約一年又九個月的時間裡我經驗到：走出喪慟的幽谷是有方法的，需要正視自己的失落、接納所失去的、選擇快樂，我透過「閱讀、繪畫、茶道、敘說」具體的行動一步步的將被悲傷擊潰的自己「拾」回、重新和自己走在一起。伴侶死亡的事件發生時，我曾在心裡埋怨：「這一定是寫敘說的宿命，沒經歷過『死亡』哪配得上寫敘說？」。至今日，我仍然會說：「經歷死亡，是寫敘說的宿命」，因為這一路上，敘說成為一座安全的堡壘，如同房子乘載了我的家庭關係、人際網路、學習歷程、生命中的幽谷、乘載了我，乘載了這所有變動中的「自己」。也應證了2016年7月提出論文計畫口試時，老師告訴我的：「你帶自己走上敘說這條路一定是有意義的」。能將此篇敘說論文勇敢地完成，是給自己一份生命的禮物。即使過程裡將傷口一層一層的剝開，重新經歷全身顫抖的害怕，但，只有正視過去的經歷我才有機會真正的「撥雲見日」，把悲傷、失落安放妥當。我，要繼續前進了。

關鍵字

自我敘說；喪慟；華德福；藝術治療

並列摘要

In the past, I was grateful that "I'm really a blessed girl." Since I was a little girl, I have been well-protected by my parents. I don’t need to worry about the basic needs in life, interpersonal communication or academic decisions. When my friends worried about where to go after college, I went to the graduate institute. At the same time, I had a good boyfriend and we were in a stable relationship. At each stage, to me, the choice was very smooth, and my life is very good. However, the accident in life happens suddenly. My boyfriend left me. He left the world, and my life was broken. My self-narrative began before the death of my boyfriend. The narrative written before the incident was focused on "career choices" -- whether to go home and join in the business for my parents. The event of my boyfriend's death has changed my life dramatically. After the incident, my self-narrative turned into focus on "life" -- encountering the bereavement of life, and reconnecting with myself. My self-narrative is very different in structure and content between the thesis proposal and this thesis. However, the content written in the thesis proposal is still the foundation of this thesis, helping me sort out the power in life and go through the bereavement in my life. Encountering the bereavement of life, I experienced confusion, depressed, anger, loss that I have never experienced before, I just like fell in deep valley. And now I went through the most depressed of this incident, I know there is a way to reconnect with myself. I faced my loss and accepted depressed, then chose happiness. Also I started to have actions like reading, painting, learning Chinese Tea, and writing self-narrative to take care myself and be with myself. At the time of the death of my boyfriend, I complained in my heart: "This must be a fate of my self-narrative. I have never experienced death. How can I write about self-narrative? Up to this day, I would still say, "Experiencing the bereavement is a destiny of narrative". But my mentality is grateful because narrative became a safe fortress to protect me. Especially in July 2016, my teacher told me, "You take yourself on the narrative road. It must be meaningful. To complete this self-narrative bravely is a gift to my life. Even if the wound was peeled off layer by layer and the fear of trembling all over the body was re-experienced, only by facing up to the past can the cloud be blown away. Put the sadness and the loss in their places. And I am going to move on.