Researcher believes living is painful. Throughout this research, Researcher tries to find out the source of his painfulness, and therefore records and summaries his family background. During youth and elementary age, researcher is quite different from now. By going back to find the key element of changing, and giving self a break, researcher continue to be at the edge of, excluded and not accepted by the society after changing. Researcher himself is also love and hate the public at the same time, this situation continue till now. This research records researcher’s personal life with his self-narrative, and therefore helps him finds the mild strength that stable himself.