自我辨識與家的回認: 一位經歷未婚懷孕女性的自書

本文以自我敘說方法，記錄一位中產階級出身的乖乖牌學生，因意外懷孕而直接面對母女關係的高張力衝突與社會主流價值觀的評判，且因此嫁入迥異的夫家家庭裡，自身心理狀態的敘說與回觀。楔子，說明我從敘說「他者」挪移到「自我敘說」的脈絡，隱含著我想與自身靠近卻有著無法突破的防衛。第一章「生成」，童年生活與手足競爭促使我不斷追逐「好」的面具，然而親密關係撕裂「好」的面具，成了不願意面對的「惡」。於是，我只能不斷「壓抑」真實自我，才能在舞台上展現「好」的我。第二章「挪動」，敘說我的重要經驗知識，包含在課堂內與課堂外田野的學習，循環辯證的過程（自我對辯/與他者對話），進而看見自身框架如何被社會文化與傳統期待建構，並看見真實自我。第三章「震盪」，敘說未婚懷孕事件的始末。事件的高張力衝突顯現出我與母親關係的「隔」，也帶出我這些年對他的不滿與期待。章節內的餘震則敘說衝突隨著結婚逐漸降溫，傷痛與副作用卻隱隱浮現在婚姻生活之中。第四章「關於我的自書意欲」，回觀前面章節後對書寫行動的反思。原來我的書寫不只是為了療育自己或產出行動知識，有個很強烈的意欲是與母親對話。全篇採用成虹飛教授所提之「行動/敘說」兩者知識產出及寫作位置不可分的概念，「自書」作為一項行動，讓我轉身認回自己、認回這個家。中文關鍵詞：自我敘說、未婚懷孕、母女關係

關鍵字

自我敘說；未婚懷孕；母女關係

並列摘要

In the thesis I uses a self-narrative approach to reflect upon my life of being an obedient student born in a middle-class. I directly confronted with the intensive conflict of mother- daughter relationship and the judgment of mainstream social values due to unexpected pregnancy, while married my husband whose family is very different from mine. The wedge is about the context that I have moved from the narrative of “the other” to that of “myself,” implying that I want to be close to myself but have an unbreakable defense. In the first chapter, "Generation,” my childhood and sibling competition urged me to chase the "good" mask. However, intimacy torn the "good" mask and became the "evil". Therefore, I could only constantly repress my true self in order to show the "good" me on the stage. The second chapter, "Moving,” narrates my important experienced knowledge, including the learning in the classroom and outside the classroom, and the cycle of dialectical process (self- confrontation/dialogue with others) in order to see how my own framework is affected by social culture and traditional expectation to construct and find the true self. Chapter Three "Shaking,” tells the story of the non-wedlock pregnancy incident. The intensive conflicts of the incident showed the "separation" of relationship with my mother, and also brought out my dissatisfaction and expectations about her over the years. The after shakes in the chapter describe the conflicts gradually cooling down since the marriage, but the pain and side effects faintly appear in the married life. Chapter 4, "About My Intentions for Self-writing,” reflects on writing actions after reviewing the previous chapters. It turns out that my writing is not just to repair myself or to produce action knowledge. Instead, I have a very strong desire to have a dialogue with my mother. The whole thesis adopts the concept of "action/narration" mentioned by Professor Cherng Horn-fay that both knowledge output and writing are inseparable. "Self-writing" as an action allows me to turn around and recognize myself and my home. Keywords: self-narrative, unmarried pregnancy, mother-daughter relationship